13-04-2025 - Mathematics

 I am utmost ashamed....

for I deserve....

idk,

Just frustrated that I am unable to write all my feelings down every night.

To be honest, it is really a very difficult task. One goes through a lot of feelings in their day. Morning coffee miss, stupid fight with stupid people, procrastination, doom scrolling, feeling bad, annoyed for different reasons, you know, the entire spectrum. To write all of that at the end of the day is not really sensible maybe? Or just not plausible. It might just be plausible but takes some effort ig.

hmm......

Recalling all of those feelings, especially the negative ones, at the end of the day, something just feels wrong? Maybe the best way to put it is that something tells me to rather not.

Anyway.....

I have my end semester examinations from the day after(15-04-2025). The first one is Mathematics. Linear algebra and Calculus to be more accurate. There might be no subject that has my love more than Mathematics.

As a child, all I wanted to do was mathematics really; so much that I thought that even if I was unable to make it my career, I would at least like to do it in my free time. I just wanted to spend time with the subject you know. It really might have been my first true love.

As I write this down, a certain feeling that I can't quite describe is befalling me. I think... hmmm..... It is a mixture of sadness and happiness and a sense of regret too maybe.

Ah! I have just described it there!!

I feel like mathematics is just my love, I just can't feel any other way about it. I...

Wait a sec, horrible song timing//

Yeah back to "Mathematics playlist by Sara" on Spotify.

Now, where was I?

My love for mathematics, lets just say that something about it has always captivated me. That and science too, but science is a topic for another day.

I remember very clearly even to this day, when our 5th grade Math teacher asked us what the Ramanujan Number was, on 22nd December, The National Mathematics Day here in India. It is celebrated every year to commemorate the birth anniversary of the great mathematician Srinivasa Ramanujan. I, of course, cannot understand the significance of his work yet, but that is not what this story is about.

Our teacher, Mrs. Savitri, upon not receiving the correct answer to this question, asked us to go home and find out what the number was, and also to find out more about Srinivasa Ramanujan. I still remember how I had almost forgotten about it and was heading to sleep. My father was there on the couch, laying down.

It suddenly struck me, the question and the task from the morning, I immediately turned around and I asked my father to give me the phone, and when he asked me why, I told about what happened earlier that day and he opened Srinivasa Ramanujan's Wikipedia page and in there, I read his story. The story of his childhood, his scholarship being lost due to his failures in his other subjects in high school. Him receiving help from his boss in the Madras port authority(?), Recognition by G.H.Hardy.

I think that this story connected me to the world of mathematics. I loved his story. I was inspired. I wanted to become someone like him. No, I wanted to become someone who could be said to be a greater mathematician than him.

I held on to this dream.

Throughout my life so far.

I was writing engineering entrance exams and was on course to becoming an engineer. But it mattered not to me. I held on to the dream. Thinking that I would earn a looooot of money. Be essentially free and then start working on mathematics and physics more seriously. Win the Nobel prize and the fields medal.

Even now, I were to be asked what was my dream life, I would say probably the same thing as I said above here.

But you know, while writing this, I think I might have gotten a slight realization. I wanted to earn a lot of money quickly and get financially free and then work on math.

But....

Things don't work that way now, do they?

I think I might have missed one important thing somewhere in between.

I might earn money to satisfy myself or more accurately, rid myself of any responsibilities.

I just wanted to study mathematics, day in day out?

I think I got a bit too superficial here. What do you mean win the Nobel prize and the Fields medal? What would it mean to you? I mean I do get that you wanted to be remembered as a great mathematician.

Yeah but bro....

I thought you liked mathematics....

Maybe its just the honor???

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